To further my reflection on what "love is.." I went ahead and took some more online tests. I'm sure plenty of people view these as unreliable and insignificant, and I get that. I mean it's not that the results are expected to become the center of your world and the answers to all of your "meaning of life" questions. However, I do find that they are a great place to start finding those answers. It's so easy to justify everything about ourselves as "that's just who I am" without further investigation or understanding. Take my story for example:
I've experienced some pretty promising relationships in my life, specifically in the last several years of young adulthood. I have a sincerely clear idea about what it is that I look for in a partner and the type of interaction I desire with that person. But, it seems like something tends to get stuck in the midst of the progression and it has finally become very clear to me. In the same way that each of us individually have different mental processes that work together to interpret our world, each of us has different needs when it comes to receiving love and affection (not just romantically) that allows us to grow into our greatest potentials. I'm honestly, incredibly concerned as to why and how I'm just figuring this out at 26 years old. It's quite obvious that other people develop a better grasp on this much earlier on in life. But, better late then never, I guess, right?
So, what's important here is to a) know what your needs are and how your brain most benefits from expressions of love and affection b) recognize what others' needs are and how to express to them in the most beneficial way c ) never stop learning or practicing these things.
A wonderfully simple way to take the first step into this exploration is to take the "5 Love Languages" test, easily found with a quick Google search. I truly believe that the results of this test can sky rocket your understanding of yourself and your loved ones. It's where logic meets emotion. Basically, there are 5 general ways that humans receive and express love/affection and based on what you decide MEANS MORE to you in terms of "receiving a thoughtful gift" or "hearing I love you" those 5 "languages" are ranked in order of your preference. Now, just because there is a least preferred method of expression does not mean that it can be ignored! All 5 languages are vital in any continuous, human interaction. Here is what I realized most recently:
Most likely, the ways in which you express love/affection are the ways in which you most prefer to receive love/affection. THE WAYS IN WHICH YOUR PARTNER EXPRESSES LOVE/AFFECTION IS MOST LIKELY THE WAYS IN WHICH THEY PREFER TO RECEIVE LOVE/AFFECTION.
It seems so obvious! But, it's truly something I did not know how to recognize before. Taking that all a step further is this fact: the ways in which you and your partner prefer to receive love/affection are most likely not the same!
To further demonstrate, here are the results of my 5 ranked love languages:
1. quality time
2. physical touch
3. acts of service
4. receiving gifts
5. words of affirmation
Again, every single one is vital to a healthy and loving relationship, but this just breaks it down to show you the differences between how your brain mentally processes these "acts" in relation to feeling loved and cared for. I'm going to break it down more, mostly for my own reflection, but also so you can begin to think about your own ranks and how they might break down for you.
1. Quality time and 2. Physical Touch are very much related. Obviously, because usually when quality time is spent (hanging out at home, going out on dates, traveling or doing other activities together) there is physical touch involved (holding hands, kissing, hugging, touching an arm or leg) these are subtle, meaningful touches that you exchange in passing or just to remind your partner that they are wanted and have your attention. It can even just mean simply being in the physical presence of your partner, usually while spending quality time together.
A personal note for me is that quality time does not necessarily mean that I have to be engaged in any activity more than lounging around. Even just being in the same physical space, but separately engaging in activities of individual interest, is very meaningful to me. Co-existing together. Just being at peace with not having to try too hard. It allows my introversion to feel comfortable and safe while feeling excitement and passion towards being around someone that I care for. This is also why physical touch comes into play because if we are not completely engaged in the same activity or are just lounging about with one another, that thoughtful touch on the back or kiss on the cheek feels very reassuring and special in those moments. What's important here is to recognize whether your partner expresses these love languages because they know it's meaningful to you and/or because it is also a good way to reciprocate your love/affection to them.
A side note that just came to me: now that I am more aware of my preferred languages, I'm remembering that they did not always rank in this order. I used to be less concerned with physical touch and more concerned with words of affirmation. Is it possible that our preferences change and shift as we grow and mature in our life experiences? Why wouldn't that be possible?
3. Acts of Service and 4. Receiving Gifts are my two "middle of the road" languages. For me, they are also related and can go hand-in-hand with one another. Both of these require thoughtfulness and knowledge of who your partner is as an individual, and what their interests and responsibilities on a daily basis may be. I know for absolute certain that these are two ways I express love/affection, more specifically with romantic relationships then friends or family. In "acts of service" you let your partner know that you are there for them and not just emotionally. You take care of things for them without them having to ask or you help them whenever possible with daily tasks and obligations.
Maybe a better way to view this language is defining what it isn't: laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them. I personally interpret this language as household chores, work projects, and unexpected favors. Where ever you can be of help and support to your partner, so that they know they can always count on you and you will never intentionally let them down. Receiving Gifts is not meant to be materialistic. It's heartfelt symbols of your thoughtfulness on a regular basis. I never expect to be given gifts or expect expensive gifts. Something handmade, something that shows my partner knows who I am and what's important to me. Inside jokes, favorite snacks, something you see while you're out running errands and you think "wow, they would love that!" or "that's so them!"
Again, it's important to recognize which languages you express most and if they relate to your preferred methods of receiving. It's more important, in my opinion, to recognize which languages your partner most often expresses and internalize that so you may make the conscious effort of reciprocating their more desired expressions.
Lastly, 5. Words of Affirmation. Seems pretty self explanatory, right? These are verbal expressions of your love and affection towards your partner. These are the "I love you's" "I'm proud of you's" "You are important to me because..." Most would say that actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words are all that you need. Don't forget, all 5 languages are vital to healthy, affectionate communication! So, for me, words of affirmation are the lowest ranked of my love languages. I know with absolute confidence that verbally expressing any thought in my head comes with great difficulty for me. Things barely make sense up there and when I try to verbalize they become even more confusing. However, when it comes to expressing love/affection, it really should just be the effort that counts here, I think. I must admit that I have been blind to this specific love language. It's just not something I'm usually conscious of, so when a partner is expressing affection verbally, I am quick to brush it off and reciprocate quickly and then move on. Instead of really acknowledging their verbal expression and making a conscious effort to not only reciprocate, but engage verbally on a more regular basis. The only way to feel more secure in verbalizing thoughts and feelings is to practice.
It may seem like awareness of these different languages now should equate to blissfully perfect relationships. I wish. Nothing will ever be perfect. But, I think awareness and effort are some of the most important factors into any healthy interaction, with yourself and with others.
Just to be clear, all of this self-reflection and insight into more healthy relationships and understandings of the self and others is not coming from a place of superiority. Not even quite. It comes from a place of inferiority and feelings of failure and regret. It comes from a place of wondering if I had started to realize these things just a little earlier, would anything be any different now? Remember, love makes the world go 'round, but it will get stuck in the mud if you're unaware of how to make yourself feel more happy, secure and safe, and also how to make your loved ones feel more happy, secure and safe.
Peace!
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