To further my reflection on what "love is.." I went ahead and took some more online tests. I'm sure plenty of people view these as unreliable and insignificant, and I get that. I mean it's not that the results are expected to become the center of your world and the answers to all of your "meaning of life" questions. However, I do find that they are a great place to start finding those answers. It's so easy to justify everything about ourselves as "that's just who I am" without further investigation or understanding. Take my story for example:
I've experienced some pretty promising relationships in my life, specifically in the last several years of young adulthood. I have a sincerely clear idea about what it is that I look for in a partner and the type of interaction I desire with that person. But, it seems like something tends to get stuck in the midst of the progression and it has finally become very clear to me. In the same way that each of us individually have different mental processes that work together to interpret our world, each of us has different needs when it comes to receiving love and affection (not just romantically) that allows us to grow into our greatest potentials. I'm honestly, incredibly concerned as to why and how I'm just figuring this out at 26 years old. It's quite obvious that other people develop a better grasp on this much earlier on in life. But, better late then never, I guess, right?
So, what's important here is to a) know what your needs are and how your brain most benefits from expressions of love and affection b) recognize what others' needs are and how to express to them in the most beneficial way c ) never stop learning or practicing these things.
A wonderfully simple way to take the first step into this exploration is to take the "5 Love Languages" test, easily found with a quick Google search. I truly believe that the results of this test can sky rocket your understanding of yourself and your loved ones. It's where logic meets emotion. Basically, there are 5 general ways that humans receive and express love/affection and based on what you decide MEANS MORE to you in terms of "receiving a thoughtful gift" or "hearing I love you" those 5 "languages" are ranked in order of your preference. Now, just because there is a least preferred method of expression does not mean that it can be ignored! All 5 languages are vital in any continuous, human interaction. Here is what I realized most recently:
Most likely, the ways in which you express love/affection are the ways in which you most prefer to receive love/affection. THE WAYS IN WHICH YOUR PARTNER EXPRESSES LOVE/AFFECTION IS MOST LIKELY THE WAYS IN WHICH THEY PREFER TO RECEIVE LOVE/AFFECTION.
It seems so obvious! But, it's truly something I did not know how to recognize before. Taking that all a step further is this fact: the ways in which you and your partner prefer to receive love/affection are most likely not the same!
To further demonstrate, here are the results of my 5 ranked love languages:
1. quality time
2. physical touch
3. acts of service
4. receiving gifts
5. words of affirmation
Again, every single one is vital to a healthy and loving relationship, but this just breaks it down to show you the differences between how your brain mentally processes these "acts" in relation to feeling loved and cared for. I'm going to break it down more, mostly for my own reflection, but also so you can begin to think about your own ranks and how they might break down for you.
1. Quality time and 2. Physical Touch are very much related. Obviously, because usually when quality time is spent (hanging out at home, going out on dates, traveling or doing other activities together) there is physical touch involved (holding hands, kissing, hugging, touching an arm or leg) these are subtle, meaningful touches that you exchange in passing or just to remind your partner that they are wanted and have your attention. It can even just mean simply being in the physical presence of your partner, usually while spending quality time together.
A personal note for me is that quality time does not necessarily mean that I have to be engaged in any activity more than lounging around. Even just being in the same physical space, but separately engaging in activities of individual interest, is very meaningful to me. Co-existing together. Just being at peace with not having to try too hard. It allows my introversion to feel comfortable and safe while feeling excitement and passion towards being around someone that I care for. This is also why physical touch comes into play because if we are not completely engaged in the same activity or are just lounging about with one another, that thoughtful touch on the back or kiss on the cheek feels very reassuring and special in those moments. What's important here is to recognize whether your partner expresses these love languages because they know it's meaningful to you and/or because it is also a good way to reciprocate your love/affection to them.
A side note that just came to me: now that I am more aware of my preferred languages, I'm remembering that they did not always rank in this order. I used to be less concerned with physical touch and more concerned with words of affirmation. Is it possible that our preferences change and shift as we grow and mature in our life experiences? Why wouldn't that be possible?
3. Acts of Service and 4. Receiving Gifts are my two "middle of the road" languages. For me, they are also related and can go hand-in-hand with one another. Both of these require thoughtfulness and knowledge of who your partner is as an individual, and what their interests and responsibilities on a daily basis may be. I know for absolute certain that these are two ways I express love/affection, more specifically with romantic relationships then friends or family. In "acts of service" you let your partner know that you are there for them and not just emotionally. You take care of things for them without them having to ask or you help them whenever possible with daily tasks and obligations.
Maybe a better way to view this language is defining what it isn't: laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them. I personally interpret this language as household chores, work projects, and unexpected favors. Where ever you can be of help and support to your partner, so that they know they can always count on you and you will never intentionally let them down. Receiving Gifts is not meant to be materialistic. It's heartfelt symbols of your thoughtfulness on a regular basis. I never expect to be given gifts or expect expensive gifts. Something handmade, something that shows my partner knows who I am and what's important to me. Inside jokes, favorite snacks, something you see while you're out running errands and you think "wow, they would love that!" or "that's so them!"
Again, it's important to recognize which languages you express most and if they relate to your preferred methods of receiving. It's more important, in my opinion, to recognize which languages your partner most often expresses and internalize that so you may make the conscious effort of reciprocating their more desired expressions.
Lastly, 5. Words of Affirmation. Seems pretty self explanatory, right? These are verbal expressions of your love and affection towards your partner. These are the "I love you's" "I'm proud of you's" "You are important to me because..." Most would say that actions speak louder than words, but sometimes words are all that you need. Don't forget, all 5 languages are vital to healthy, affectionate communication! So, for me, words of affirmation are the lowest ranked of my love languages. I know with absolute confidence that verbally expressing any thought in my head comes with great difficulty for me. Things barely make sense up there and when I try to verbalize they become even more confusing. However, when it comes to expressing love/affection, it really should just be the effort that counts here, I think. I must admit that I have been blind to this specific love language. It's just not something I'm usually conscious of, so when a partner is expressing affection verbally, I am quick to brush it off and reciprocate quickly and then move on. Instead of really acknowledging their verbal expression and making a conscious effort to not only reciprocate, but engage verbally on a more regular basis. The only way to feel more secure in verbalizing thoughts and feelings is to practice.
It may seem like awareness of these different languages now should equate to blissfully perfect relationships. I wish. Nothing will ever be perfect. But, I think awareness and effort are some of the most important factors into any healthy interaction, with yourself and with others.
Just to be clear, all of this self-reflection and insight into more healthy relationships and understandings of the self and others is not coming from a place of superiority. Not even quite. It comes from a place of inferiority and feelings of failure and regret. It comes from a place of wondering if I had started to realize these things just a little earlier, would anything be any different now? Remember, love makes the world go 'round, but it will get stuck in the mud if you're unaware of how to make yourself feel more happy, secure and safe, and also how to make your loved ones feel more happy, secure and safe.
Peace!
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Sunday, February 12, 2017
love is....
love is giving everything you have without expecting anything in return.
love is the feeling that never giving up overpowers any other feeling that arise along the journey.
love is not remembering what life was like before.
love is not happiness; love is the strongest feeling in the world.
love is unconditional.
love is a commitment.
love is your soul and anger is your ego.
love is not flawless. it is not perfect. it is not a fairy tale.
love is the light that pulls you through the dark.
love feels safe when you are continuously lost.
love is a drug; the best kind of addiction.
love is unique to its felt individual.
love is holding another's darkness for them so that their light may shine bright as ever.
love is the feeling; commitment is the logic.
love is you. love is me.
love is laughing and it's crying.
love is not something to distract yourself from.
love is intuitive. don't fight it.
love is soul. it is divine and infinite.
love is the devil while he was still an angel.
From an early age we are aware of love. Maybe we love our parents and our dog. Maybe we are taught what love is supposed to be or we are witnesses to different kinds of love. Then we start experiencing our own feelings of love. Loving friendships and loving, romantic relationships. At first, we might assume just really feeling strongly about someone else means we are in love. And that's great, it's wonderful. We begin to physically feel love in the butterflies and euphoria and even in the heartache and stress. It all seems pretty basic and I think that it's a necessary stepping stone to the future of our love experiences. Just the same is with anything else in life, love is a learning experience. Each new time you feel those indicators that love may be on the horizon, doesn't it feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more "real" than the last time? It does for me and especially within my adult life thus far I have noticed great evolutions in my love experiences. As an adolescent I didn't have a grasp on the learning part, I didn't take the time to reflect or grow personally in my self-love and that became apparent in my attempts to love others. The way you feel about yourself will leak out in the way you feel about others and the way you express those feelings. So, having clear ideas about the kind of love you ultimate seek should be beneficial. But, these ideas may change over time and that's okay. Life and love exist on a fluid timeline that never stops moving forward. If you don't hang on tight and enjoy the ride, you may find yourself lost in confusion and depression (speaking from experience here, not just speculation).
Anyway, towards the end of my college days I found myself in an extremely destructive situation that I projected to be love at its core, but realized much later on that it likely was not. As turbulent as those two years were, what I took from it were my personal goals in loving another person. Trying to understand things outside of my own realm of mentality, unconditional companionship, basically never giving up until there was nothing to hold on to anymore. In some ways this can be harmful to the self and I was aware of that, but for me, ultimate love is painful sometimes and if you're not exerting every last ounce of vulnerability then you may end up with "what ifs" in the future and those are more detrimental to me. I knew that my next experience in love had to be quite the opposite. Going into it I had a slightly better sense of what I thought love to be and I dropped down my walls quickly and dove in head first hoping that Karma would recognize my intentions and reciprocate them. And they did. That love felt completely different than anything in the past and I attached onto it tightly. But, as we know it to sometimes happen, history began repeating itself inside my head. I had a better understanding of what I wanted to give to someone in love and what I wanted reciprocated but there were still other areas that I struggled with, communication and trust being the front runners. Needless to say, that was not the love meant for me either when I realized I still had a long way to go in loving myself. Of course, I fought this for some time hoping for some fairy tale ending to fix the damage that had been done. But, I found myself alone and lost, again. I maintained my loneliness, proudly, for a couple of years. Really reflecting on the two previous experiences and how I could love myself and love another in such a way that it would never end. That's the true fairy tale, right? Never ending love. Sometimes pain and hurtful mistakes, but comfort in knowing the mutual commitment that you won't give up on each other. That is what I seek the most.
However, as I've learned in my most recent experience, not everyone views love the same. And different mental processes hold different ways of defining and expressing love as a feeling. For me, it's just that. Underneath any bullshit or ego, it's a magnetic force that I feel with another human being. But, for more logically based thinkers, things needs to match up. Compatibility must be in tact and, for me, I've learned that I don't know what compatibility even means. Is it sharing similar hobbies? Is it acceptance and support even when it's not something you entirely understand? Is it similar viewpoints? Is it similar communication styles? It's just not something that has been very prominent for me and maybe that's something to reflect and focus on moving forward.
I don't view anything as unchangeable and if there is conflict with love then there is a way to find some conclusion that results in growth. In my opinion, most conflict results from forcing that growth not only onto the other person, but onto yourself and your intertwined selves. Growth is not easy and a loving commitment is the glue that holds the growth together. I'm the first to admit how intense and sensitive I am as a person, a friend, a child, a co-worker, a sibling, a partner, etc. I have a very small logical window and I guess I've never put in the effort into strengthening that. So long as both individuals try to understand the differences, respect each other's needs and attempt to effectively communicate even if it takes longer than expected and it's harder than expected, I'm all in. Is this the right or wrong way for me to view love? I don't know. But, it's where I'm at now and I'm sure it will evolve even more over time.
At the end of the day, love is not a typical fairy tale. Instead, it's a unique fairy tale written for or by each individual person. I'm the farthest thing from perfect or even slightly put together. As soon as I think I have a hold on something I feel or believe, a new thought arises that forces me to question everything I had just settled on. I believe in soulmates (indescribable, energetic force) and I believe in timing. I've had multiple soulmates and I believe there are more out there. But, it's the timing in your life and the other's life that ultimately decides if you're mutually capable of real commitment.
"Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway."
"When I say I love you more, I don't mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, I love you more than any fight we will ever have, I love you more than the distance between us, I love you more than any obstacle that could try and come between us. I love you the most."
love is the feeling that never giving up overpowers any other feeling that arise along the journey.
love is not remembering what life was like before.
love is not happiness; love is the strongest feeling in the world.
love is unconditional.
love is a commitment.
love is your soul and anger is your ego.
love is not flawless. it is not perfect. it is not a fairy tale.
love is the light that pulls you through the dark.
love feels safe when you are continuously lost.
love is a drug; the best kind of addiction.
love is unique to its felt individual.
love is holding another's darkness for them so that their light may shine bright as ever.
love is the feeling; commitment is the logic.
love is you. love is me.
love is laughing and it's crying.
love is not something to distract yourself from.
love is intuitive. don't fight it.
love is soul. it is divine and infinite.
love is the devil while he was still an angel.
From an early age we are aware of love. Maybe we love our parents and our dog. Maybe we are taught what love is supposed to be or we are witnesses to different kinds of love. Then we start experiencing our own feelings of love. Loving friendships and loving, romantic relationships. At first, we might assume just really feeling strongly about someone else means we are in love. And that's great, it's wonderful. We begin to physically feel love in the butterflies and euphoria and even in the heartache and stress. It all seems pretty basic and I think that it's a necessary stepping stone to the future of our love experiences. Just the same is with anything else in life, love is a learning experience. Each new time you feel those indicators that love may be on the horizon, doesn't it feel a little bit stronger, a little bit more "real" than the last time? It does for me and especially within my adult life thus far I have noticed great evolutions in my love experiences. As an adolescent I didn't have a grasp on the learning part, I didn't take the time to reflect or grow personally in my self-love and that became apparent in my attempts to love others. The way you feel about yourself will leak out in the way you feel about others and the way you express those feelings. So, having clear ideas about the kind of love you ultimate seek should be beneficial. But, these ideas may change over time and that's okay. Life and love exist on a fluid timeline that never stops moving forward. If you don't hang on tight and enjoy the ride, you may find yourself lost in confusion and depression (speaking from experience here, not just speculation).
Anyway, towards the end of my college days I found myself in an extremely destructive situation that I projected to be love at its core, but realized much later on that it likely was not. As turbulent as those two years were, what I took from it were my personal goals in loving another person. Trying to understand things outside of my own realm of mentality, unconditional companionship, basically never giving up until there was nothing to hold on to anymore. In some ways this can be harmful to the self and I was aware of that, but for me, ultimate love is painful sometimes and if you're not exerting every last ounce of vulnerability then you may end up with "what ifs" in the future and those are more detrimental to me. I knew that my next experience in love had to be quite the opposite. Going into it I had a slightly better sense of what I thought love to be and I dropped down my walls quickly and dove in head first hoping that Karma would recognize my intentions and reciprocate them. And they did. That love felt completely different than anything in the past and I attached onto it tightly. But, as we know it to sometimes happen, history began repeating itself inside my head. I had a better understanding of what I wanted to give to someone in love and what I wanted reciprocated but there were still other areas that I struggled with, communication and trust being the front runners. Needless to say, that was not the love meant for me either when I realized I still had a long way to go in loving myself. Of course, I fought this for some time hoping for some fairy tale ending to fix the damage that had been done. But, I found myself alone and lost, again. I maintained my loneliness, proudly, for a couple of years. Really reflecting on the two previous experiences and how I could love myself and love another in such a way that it would never end. That's the true fairy tale, right? Never ending love. Sometimes pain and hurtful mistakes, but comfort in knowing the mutual commitment that you won't give up on each other. That is what I seek the most.
However, as I've learned in my most recent experience, not everyone views love the same. And different mental processes hold different ways of defining and expressing love as a feeling. For me, it's just that. Underneath any bullshit or ego, it's a magnetic force that I feel with another human being. But, for more logically based thinkers, things needs to match up. Compatibility must be in tact and, for me, I've learned that I don't know what compatibility even means. Is it sharing similar hobbies? Is it acceptance and support even when it's not something you entirely understand? Is it similar viewpoints? Is it similar communication styles? It's just not something that has been very prominent for me and maybe that's something to reflect and focus on moving forward.
I don't view anything as unchangeable and if there is conflict with love then there is a way to find some conclusion that results in growth. In my opinion, most conflict results from forcing that growth not only onto the other person, but onto yourself and your intertwined selves. Growth is not easy and a loving commitment is the glue that holds the growth together. I'm the first to admit how intense and sensitive I am as a person, a friend, a child, a co-worker, a sibling, a partner, etc. I have a very small logical window and I guess I've never put in the effort into strengthening that. So long as both individuals try to understand the differences, respect each other's needs and attempt to effectively communicate even if it takes longer than expected and it's harder than expected, I'm all in. Is this the right or wrong way for me to view love? I don't know. But, it's where I'm at now and I'm sure it will evolve even more over time.
At the end of the day, love is not a typical fairy tale. Instead, it's a unique fairy tale written for or by each individual person. I'm the farthest thing from perfect or even slightly put together. As soon as I think I have a hold on something I feel or believe, a new thought arises that forces me to question everything I had just settled on. I believe in soulmates (indescribable, energetic force) and I believe in timing. I've had multiple soulmates and I believe there are more out there. But, it's the timing in your life and the other's life that ultimately decides if you're mutually capable of real commitment.
"Tell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway."
"When I say I love you more, I don't mean I love you more than you love me. I mean I love you more than the bad days ahead of us, I love you more than any fight we will ever have, I love you more than the distance between us, I love you more than any obstacle that could try and come between us. I love you the most."
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Who Are You? Part 1
As someone who has taken great interest and effort into exploring the concept of personality, something I really enjoy is reading up about my own personality type, reflecting and exploring why I am the way that I am. If this is something you, too, are interested in, I suggest first starting with a personality test. These are easily accessible via the internet and usually take no longer than 15 minutes total. Completing the test itself is an efficient way to begin reflecting on the self. If you are with another person you can discuss the statements and the reasoning behind your response for a pretty enlightening conversation and unique way to get to know each other. The statements sometimes get redundant, but for the most part they are atypical and really make you think about the kind of person you are or think that you are. When I take a personality test I have to go with my gut response to each statement. If I think too much about it I find my responses become more inefficient. Like I mentioned, I am more attracted to the responses that depict the type of person I THINK I am as opposed to who I truly am. At the end of the day, I have completed multiple personality tests with the same result each time: I am an INFP "healer/mediator" personality type.
I would like to take some time to explore this personality type. Whether you are also an INFP or know someone who is, maybe you'll find it interesting or inspiring to dive deeper into your own self exploration and your personality type. It's important to remember that it's not only important to put effort into understanding your own personality type better, but also the personalities of those around you, especially loved ones and those that you wish to gain deeper understanding with. Everyone is different and unique, but there are only so many personality traits to be held, so of course some people share certain characteristics while others hold complete opposite ones. I think it is greatly beneficial to human interaction and relationships to be aware of your specific characteristics and those you share with others and do not share. I'm going to start by just sharing a little bit about some of the reading I'm currently interpreting and exploring some minor personal reflection regarding it. If I attempted to go into every detail about even just one personality type (there are 16 in total), well that's why there are entire books written about this topic! So, let's take it slow and just begin to scratch the surface of our amazingly confusing and beautiful minds.
A huge thank-you to a fellow self-exploring disciple (you know who you are if you're reading) that shared this wonderful internet site with me that deeply explores the different personality types, how the brain wiring of each differs and so forth. http://www.personalityhacker.com/infp-personality-type/
I will reference from this page in this first reflection post. I highly encourage you to take your own personality test and do further research! Also, encourage loved ones to take their own test so you can know what differing personalities you may benefit from learning more about, as well.
First things first, once you have the result of your personality test, you'll want to make sure you comprehend what each letter in the acronym means and how it differs from its opposing letter.
INFP: I=Introversion, N=Intuition, F=Feeling, P=Perception.
Introversion- quiet, reserved, expend energy in social situations (opposed to gaining energy with Extroversion).
Intuition- more abstract senses as opposed to concrete; focuses attention on big picture and future possibilities as opposed to immediate realities and details.
Feeling- less thinking and decision making based on logic.
Perception- tend to withhold judgment and "keep options open."
Now, it's important to recognize that there strengths and weaknesses to each characteristic and each personality type. I think the first step in recognizing these strengths and weaknesses is gaining awareness as to how your individual personality type may impact the wiring of your mentality and not just WHY you are you, but also HOW. Personality Hacker's webpage outlines a very simple visual of our mental wiring: a 4-passenger car. You have your driver, co-pilot, 3-year-old and 10-year-old packed into your car and each holds a different mental process that simultaneously impact our behaviors and decision-making processes. You'll have to look into to your own personality's 4-passenger car roles, but to use the INFP personality type as an example:
Driver, the primary way my mind makes decisions= "Authenticity" (Introverted Feeling). My driver asks "does this feel right" when evaluating decisions and is based in core values, motivation and conviction. This mental process hits very close to home for me, personally. I have always acknowledged my heightened sensitivity and introversion in response to the world around me. I feel that we are constantly encouraged to make decisions logically. "Listen to your head, not your heart" because your heart blinds you with emotions and irrational thinking. Even when I try to do this sometimes it just doesn't feel right! Being "true" to myself and my feelings is something that I take pride in. That's how I interpret the concept of authenticity. I find myself explaining my logic with feeling and accepting my feelings as they are with no need of any logical explanation. Is this right or wrong? I don't know, that's not necessarily the point of this reflection. My own "Authenticity" process definitely holds strengths and weaknesses, in my opinion, and I would care more about my awareness of those situations as opposed to it's "right or wrongness."
Co-pilot, how I learn new information= "Exploration" (Extroverted Intuition). The co-pilot mental process sits next to the driver in the passenger seat. They control the radio, keep eyes out for police cars, and decides how to interpret the world we are driving through. While scanning the outside world through the car window, my co-pilot continuously asks the question "what if?" This allows a broader view of the world and relationships I'm engaged in. This also continues to weaken my logical way of thinking because it naturally introduces new ideas, solutions, etc. A downfall that I personally experience because of my co-pilot is indecisiveness. I feel that my driver and co-pilot interact with one another positively and negatively. My usual inability to settle on one decision or outlook can cause question of my authenticity or can be strengthened by my justification that it's just how I feel and there's no further explanation needed.
10-year-old, seated behind co-pilot= "Memory," realizing who you are based on past experiences. My memory, according to this interpretation, has the development of a 10-year-old. To expand on this, my memory process plays a disadvantage in my life by remaining in the "safe zone" and rarely facing fears. Keeping narrow boundaries to avoid being "wrong" which does not seem to benefit both of my front seat passengers. When I apply this mental process to aspects of life outside of play and intimacy, I can find myself limiting my exploration or not being open to others' explorations or differing opinions of my "what if" perspectives. I think that something I can try doing is first, recognizing when this under-developed mental process begins to become relevant and second, practice deciding whether or not it's useful in my current situation. Then I will have to take it a step further and practice deterring away from allowing my "memory" process to dictate the situation if it's not beneficial or leading to some sort of growth. Furthermore, when it does feel that it's helping me or leading to a positive experience or outcome, learning how to focus this process in similar situations so that it may become stronger in those areas and weaker in areas of conflict or some explorations.
3-year-old, seated behind driver, the blind spot!= "Effectiveness," logical thinking about "what works?" and "what gets the job done?" Any mental process with a logical basis brings no surprise to me as my "blind spot." As I've already stated many times, I'm extremely aware that logical thinking with no personal feelings attached is a huge weakness of mine and causes conflict in my personal relationships. Authenticity chimes in to this, though, and reinforces that how I feel, even in a logical sense, requires no justification or explanation, which only defers me further from positive growth. I suppose, if I may endure some positive feedback with this one, I believe that my awareness of my blind spot can lead to helpful exploration and self reflection. But, like any other 3-year-old, it can be difficult and frustrating to discipline this mental process when it's adding more and more turmoil to an already difficult situation. Demanding, passive-aggressive, bossy, are all characteristics used to describe my blind spot. These unfavorable traits are especially heightened and harder to control in times of stress and confusion. I personally notice this intensification in a job setting where stress can run high and while I typically maintain a more calm and passive attitude, I tend to lash out verbally (not at anyone in particular, just a general venting) and can become pretty hostile. This blind spot is also, obviously, detrimental to personal relationships when it comes to disagreements and arguments. As expected, the 3- and 10-year-old feed off each other and, in my experience, enhance the worst traits in respect to each mental process. Acting in a more passive-aggressive manner while narrowing boundaries to avoid being "wrong." Bless the souls of the people that remain close to me in my life and put in sincere effort to understand and reason with me. A simple and beneficial solution to stress for me is to draw and focus attention on uncomplicated tasks and even following a small to-do list to ease my mind. If this is work-related, I can mentally prepare a to-do list to accomplish before lunch if I'm feeling hostile in response to a stressful situation. 1. answer the email, 2. update the notes, 3. make the phone call, and so forth. If it's more personal, I usually concoct a more abstract to-do list like getting out and about, doing something productive like cleaning or writing, I usually feel more motivated than normal to engage in these activities knowing that it will clear my mind and emotions to come back and address the stress-related situation with a slightly more calmed state.
The surface has been scratched! Each of the 4 components of my specific personality trait have been defined and reflections have begun. Not just WHY I am this way, but HOW the prominent mental processes in my brain effect who I am, my behaviors and decision making have been slightly explored. Like I said, if I go any further with this first post, it will quickly turn into a book, so I'm going to stop here, but will dive further into strengths, weaknesses, why's, how's, solutions and relations regarding my own INFP personality trait in future posts. I believe the importance and benefit of understanding my personality and the traits of loved ones is infinite and undeniable. I hope that conducting these reflections via physical writing will only deepen my understanding and inspire others to begin or further their own self explorations because...
"today you are YOU, that is truer than true and there is NO ONE alive that is YOUER than YOU."
-Dr. Seuss
I would like to take some time to explore this personality type. Whether you are also an INFP or know someone who is, maybe you'll find it interesting or inspiring to dive deeper into your own self exploration and your personality type. It's important to remember that it's not only important to put effort into understanding your own personality type better, but also the personalities of those around you, especially loved ones and those that you wish to gain deeper understanding with. Everyone is different and unique, but there are only so many personality traits to be held, so of course some people share certain characteristics while others hold complete opposite ones. I think it is greatly beneficial to human interaction and relationships to be aware of your specific characteristics and those you share with others and do not share. I'm going to start by just sharing a little bit about some of the reading I'm currently interpreting and exploring some minor personal reflection regarding it. If I attempted to go into every detail about even just one personality type (there are 16 in total), well that's why there are entire books written about this topic! So, let's take it slow and just begin to scratch the surface of our amazingly confusing and beautiful minds.
A huge thank-you to a fellow self-exploring disciple (you know who you are if you're reading) that shared this wonderful internet site with me that deeply explores the different personality types, how the brain wiring of each differs and so forth. http://www.personalityhacker.com/infp-personality-type/
I will reference from this page in this first reflection post. I highly encourage you to take your own personality test and do further research! Also, encourage loved ones to take their own test so you can know what differing personalities you may benefit from learning more about, as well.
First things first, once you have the result of your personality test, you'll want to make sure you comprehend what each letter in the acronym means and how it differs from its opposing letter.
INFP: I=Introversion, N=Intuition, F=Feeling, P=Perception.
Introversion- quiet, reserved, expend energy in social situations (opposed to gaining energy with Extroversion).
Intuition- more abstract senses as opposed to concrete; focuses attention on big picture and future possibilities as opposed to immediate realities and details.
Feeling- less thinking and decision making based on logic.
Perception- tend to withhold judgment and "keep options open."
Now, it's important to recognize that there strengths and weaknesses to each characteristic and each personality type. I think the first step in recognizing these strengths and weaknesses is gaining awareness as to how your individual personality type may impact the wiring of your mentality and not just WHY you are you, but also HOW. Personality Hacker's webpage outlines a very simple visual of our mental wiring: a 4-passenger car. You have your driver, co-pilot, 3-year-old and 10-year-old packed into your car and each holds a different mental process that simultaneously impact our behaviors and decision-making processes. You'll have to look into to your own personality's 4-passenger car roles, but to use the INFP personality type as an example:
Driver, the primary way my mind makes decisions= "Authenticity" (Introverted Feeling). My driver asks "does this feel right" when evaluating decisions and is based in core values, motivation and conviction. This mental process hits very close to home for me, personally. I have always acknowledged my heightened sensitivity and introversion in response to the world around me. I feel that we are constantly encouraged to make decisions logically. "Listen to your head, not your heart" because your heart blinds you with emotions and irrational thinking. Even when I try to do this sometimes it just doesn't feel right! Being "true" to myself and my feelings is something that I take pride in. That's how I interpret the concept of authenticity. I find myself explaining my logic with feeling and accepting my feelings as they are with no need of any logical explanation. Is this right or wrong? I don't know, that's not necessarily the point of this reflection. My own "Authenticity" process definitely holds strengths and weaknesses, in my opinion, and I would care more about my awareness of those situations as opposed to it's "right or wrongness."
Co-pilot, how I learn new information= "Exploration" (Extroverted Intuition). The co-pilot mental process sits next to the driver in the passenger seat. They control the radio, keep eyes out for police cars, and decides how to interpret the world we are driving through. While scanning the outside world through the car window, my co-pilot continuously asks the question "what if?" This allows a broader view of the world and relationships I'm engaged in. This also continues to weaken my logical way of thinking because it naturally introduces new ideas, solutions, etc. A downfall that I personally experience because of my co-pilot is indecisiveness. I feel that my driver and co-pilot interact with one another positively and negatively. My usual inability to settle on one decision or outlook can cause question of my authenticity or can be strengthened by my justification that it's just how I feel and there's no further explanation needed.
10-year-old, seated behind co-pilot= "Memory," realizing who you are based on past experiences. My memory, according to this interpretation, has the development of a 10-year-old. To expand on this, my memory process plays a disadvantage in my life by remaining in the "safe zone" and rarely facing fears. Keeping narrow boundaries to avoid being "wrong" which does not seem to benefit both of my front seat passengers. When I apply this mental process to aspects of life outside of play and intimacy, I can find myself limiting my exploration or not being open to others' explorations or differing opinions of my "what if" perspectives. I think that something I can try doing is first, recognizing when this under-developed mental process begins to become relevant and second, practice deciding whether or not it's useful in my current situation. Then I will have to take it a step further and practice deterring away from allowing my "memory" process to dictate the situation if it's not beneficial or leading to some sort of growth. Furthermore, when it does feel that it's helping me or leading to a positive experience or outcome, learning how to focus this process in similar situations so that it may become stronger in those areas and weaker in areas of conflict or some explorations.
3-year-old, seated behind driver, the blind spot!= "Effectiveness," logical thinking about "what works?" and "what gets the job done?" Any mental process with a logical basis brings no surprise to me as my "blind spot." As I've already stated many times, I'm extremely aware that logical thinking with no personal feelings attached is a huge weakness of mine and causes conflict in my personal relationships. Authenticity chimes in to this, though, and reinforces that how I feel, even in a logical sense, requires no justification or explanation, which only defers me further from positive growth. I suppose, if I may endure some positive feedback with this one, I believe that my awareness of my blind spot can lead to helpful exploration and self reflection. But, like any other 3-year-old, it can be difficult and frustrating to discipline this mental process when it's adding more and more turmoil to an already difficult situation. Demanding, passive-aggressive, bossy, are all characteristics used to describe my blind spot. These unfavorable traits are especially heightened and harder to control in times of stress and confusion. I personally notice this intensification in a job setting where stress can run high and while I typically maintain a more calm and passive attitude, I tend to lash out verbally (not at anyone in particular, just a general venting) and can become pretty hostile. This blind spot is also, obviously, detrimental to personal relationships when it comes to disagreements and arguments. As expected, the 3- and 10-year-old feed off each other and, in my experience, enhance the worst traits in respect to each mental process. Acting in a more passive-aggressive manner while narrowing boundaries to avoid being "wrong." Bless the souls of the people that remain close to me in my life and put in sincere effort to understand and reason with me. A simple and beneficial solution to stress for me is to draw and focus attention on uncomplicated tasks and even following a small to-do list to ease my mind. If this is work-related, I can mentally prepare a to-do list to accomplish before lunch if I'm feeling hostile in response to a stressful situation. 1. answer the email, 2. update the notes, 3. make the phone call, and so forth. If it's more personal, I usually concoct a more abstract to-do list like getting out and about, doing something productive like cleaning or writing, I usually feel more motivated than normal to engage in these activities knowing that it will clear my mind and emotions to come back and address the stress-related situation with a slightly more calmed state.
The surface has been scratched! Each of the 4 components of my specific personality trait have been defined and reflections have begun. Not just WHY I am this way, but HOW the prominent mental processes in my brain effect who I am, my behaviors and decision making have been slightly explored. Like I said, if I go any further with this first post, it will quickly turn into a book, so I'm going to stop here, but will dive further into strengths, weaknesses, why's, how's, solutions and relations regarding my own INFP personality trait in future posts. I believe the importance and benefit of understanding my personality and the traits of loved ones is infinite and undeniable. I hope that conducting these reflections via physical writing will only deepen my understanding and inspire others to begin or further their own self explorations because...
"today you are YOU, that is truer than true and there is NO ONE alive that is YOUER than YOU."
-Dr. Seuss
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