Humanness is messy, confusing, beautifully insane. Each one of us believing in our own way what exactly is the meaning of this experience. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Is there any meaning? I feel like everyone is constantly trying so hard to be "happy." What is happiness?
So often we hear that it's not the destination, but it's the journey. It's not something you can find, but something that you create within yourself. While I don't disagree with these ideologies I realize that it's not that simple. Happiness is subjective. It is exactly what you decide it to be. It's a choice. Like many other things in life; how we love, our commitments, and our actions. Freedom of choice is one of our most innate human aspects. It's what separates us from animals. The capability of self-awareness and the way in which our brains work under certain circumstances to choose between multiple options at any given time.
Again, this does not mean it's easy. Intuitions and emotions, I don't believe, are things we have "control" over. We don't get to choose how our heart and gut react to a given stimuli. However, we can practice our consciousness of the path between our heart and our brain. What you do with that feeling/emotion/reaction is your decision. This is why it's so important to slow down. Breathe. Take the time you need to practice this ability, re-condition yourself and process the things that you go through on a daily basis. Question yourself. When you feel something ask yourself WHY. We are all the products of our past experiences and the hopes and dreams of our futures. I believe that the only way to discontinue repeating your past is to become so aware of it that you begin to understand why you react in certain ways. Why do you choose one path over the other? What other factors impact your decisions? What's important to you and why?
For me, happiness comes in sparks. It is not a constant that I bathe in. I prefer the ups and downs. I need to soak in the sadness sometimes to better understand myself and to better appreciate the lighter moments. What's important to me is loving myself so that I may share that love with others. Self-discovery so that I may also discover others and be by their side as they discover themselves. My purpose at this point in life is to be open to any opportunity to help another person to the best of my ability. Each of us needs different things, sometimes they are similar, but understanding your needs to feel fulfilled will impact how you are able to provide for others. I struggle to identify my specific needs because my views are quite fluid. I refuse to be kept in a box of labels or conditions. My identity and role in life are up to me. And yours are up to you. Do not let the word "should" run your life. Learn from your past. Learn from your own decisions and consistently ask yourself WHY.
Nobody is perfect. I prefer to bask in my imperfections. Everyone has their own story and a little compassion goes a long way. Give compassion to yourself as much as you give it to others. One of my biggest struggles is treating myself the same way I treat (or try my best to treat) others. When a loved one is down on themselves and you comfort them. We have to remember to comfort ourselves in that same way. When ever I have a negative thought arise about myself I try to counter it with a positive thought, "you're doing just fine" "you've got this" "it's okay, you're okay." This also goes for negative thoughts about others; judgments. The only way to combat them is to notice them and make yourself think differently. "Ugh, that person is so annoying." "Wow, that was a rude thought, why did I think that? They must be exerting something that I don't see in myself, but wish I did or that I also find annoying when I do it. Next time, instead of writing them off, try to engage positively and see how it feels." It seems silly, but it can make a world of a difference. It's also not fool proof and of course we all have our irritations and not every single person is going to get along or like each other. Again, nobody is perfect and it's okay to have downfalls and not like everyone or be positive all of the time. But, you have the CHOICE of whether or not to put that shit out into the world and create negative energy or not. Choose wisely.
We really are nothing but little specks in the grand scheme of the universe and it's hard for some of us not to get lost in that truth. But we have the opportunity for one of the most enlightening experiences, the human one, to learn and to share with one another. We may be individually insignificant to the world, but to each other, together, we can create a significant reality.
I'm not here for just happiness; I'm here for a full life of living.
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